Welllllll.... I leave tomorrow to start the whole Christmas frenzy. I'm staying with Cliff's parents, naturally, Christmas eve with the mother, day with the inlaws and day after with Dad. All slotted and planned with no measure of innacuracy. To tell you the truth, I'd rather just not. I'd rather just, skip this whole ridiculous pomp and pagentry and do something else...run away maybe for a few days? I wish I could go to the beach. I miss the frigid cold and stormy misty mornings that break over the tide pools and ocean horizon that just seems to keep going out forever and ever. I love staring out at it...like I can finally stretch out and breath, and my mind can just keep going and going, with no obstacle.

Scott resurfaced from his political and newly financial agreements, otherwise known as work, and spent the night at Chadd's last night. He actually agreed to go shopping with me tomorrow (rather than having 800 things to do instead) so I am excited to see him, even if he often drives me nuts. I still love him to pieces, especially when I don't get to see him often. I think that is the single most feature of our friendship that keeps it afloat. If we don't see each other for a while, it just makes things nicer. *grin*

I need to add him to my cast. But I always conviniently loose the pictures he sends me to replace the ones I DO have, and love because most of them he is staring adoringly at me...and well, thats just fun to have hehe.

I am hoping in vain that maybe Cliff will call today or early tomorrow before I leave. It's just too much anxiety for me to be down there in Vancouver, with the threat of missing his phone call. I can't find my stupid cell phone charger either, so I don't even have that for him to call. I have a love hate relationship with cell phones. Why can't the damn things charge themselves? Makes my life one more step towards difficult dammit.

I can't decide if I want to come home for New Years. It's depressing enough to be alone on New Years but...in the spirit of New years resolutions, I have to learn to let go of stuff.

It goes along with my having to come to terms with the fact that some people are just sad miserable little pricks, with nothing better to do with their lives than be hateful. That's fine, it just sucks that people like that exist. I am just going to steer clear of it. Stupid people blinders, as it was. And then there is that things are just beyond my control, and that's ok.

Next year I am just going to focus on my family. On this new baby, on my husband coming home safe, on the boys' birthdays...making everything count for something, and to make that something be something closer to my own truths.